The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
