you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
