Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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