from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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