Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
