i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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