We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
