just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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