I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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