I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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