Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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