walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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