I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
