I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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