Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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