Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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