Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The power of my boobs compel you
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
