I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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