oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I need water and some morals
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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