I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
