I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
