is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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