plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
