why didn't you poke me back
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
