So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
babies were throwing up all over the place
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
