I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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