You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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