there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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