i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
