I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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