how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
