My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize