Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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