I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
