can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
