he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
