Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I still have a little drunk in my system
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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