I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
