We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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