Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
