He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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