I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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