grandma shit on top of the toilet
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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