WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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