would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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