Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
