dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Holy sore nipples Batman
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
