I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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