No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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