Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
