my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
