Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize