dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
