fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
