I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
