She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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