You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
