I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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